If you’re anything like me (and you probably are), you’ve become very adept at hiding in plain sight.
I always hid behind sarcasm, raunchy humor, exaggeration and anything else to avoid honest to goodness communication with another human being.
My drinking and drugging began in earnest by the time I was 13. Starting then, I was a victim of arrested development.
When I got sober at 24, I was an emotionally 13 year-old Rip Van Winkle with no idea of how to actually relate to people.
There is nothing scarier than to allow yourself to be seen as you really are.
It was easier and so much safer to hide, rather than admit I didn’t have a clue.
When I was thrown in with a bunch of alcoholics, something interesting happened: I found people who actually understood. They knew where I was coming from, and I didn’t have to make excuses or explain anything. They understood.
It was okay to get up, open up, and let it all shamelessly hang out. Not only was it okay, it was par for the course.
Nobody pointed or laughed, or ran screaming from the room.
Nobody called me a whack job, and nobody suggested I was a loser. I was treated with nothing less than dignity and respect, and I was accepted as one of their own.
I soon discovered I wasn’t such a magnificent innovator: If I did it, said it, thought it, or screwed it up, I was old news.
Even more surprising:
stuff I’d always considered horrific and shameful was actually pretty funny when it was shared at meetings. The more bizarre, the better. No one has ever laughed at me, only with me.
All those awful and humiliating secrets I’d so fearfully and painstakingly guarded for so long fizzled out and lost their power.
I always thought that stuff would go to the grave with me. Instead, it’s become some of my best material.
My AA friends get me. And I get them. And that has made all the difference.
HERE’S THE TAKEAWAY:
You’re not so different, you’re not so crazy, and you’re not so awful. You are one of us: You’ve already done your time and paid your dues. God isn’t finished with you. Not by a long shot.
