I used the word ‘sorry’ like toilet paper.
It was easier taking the path of least resistance, pretending contrition, and offering up the obligatory apology.
I never really held myself accountable for anything, It was too damn inconvenient.
An old sponsor of mine was fond of paraphrasing the 12 & 12.
By virtue of the fact that I was an alcoholic, he proclaimed I was: selfish, self-centered, childish, immature and grandiose.
Thanks for that.
I’ll be sure to include it with my eHarmony profile.
When it comes to drinking, I experience this bizarre Jekyll–Hyde phenomenon.
All sanity gets tossed out the window, and I start to believe I can do things normal people can’t possibly get away with. I start to buy into the notion that I’m just a little bit smarter than everyone else.
…Never mind the fact that drinking usually renders me dumber than a bucketful of hammers.
The only people who truly understand my brand of insanity are other alcoholics.
That’s why no matter where I may go, I look for the drunks…They’re my people.
Anyway,
my personal ‘white knuckle’ record for not drinking was thirty desperately miserable,
thoroughly unhappy days.
I had the sneaking suspicion I was destroying myself, and I dealt with it by not thinking about it.
Never underestimate the power of denial.
I pursued the path of least resistance(one of my recurring themes) and kept right on drinking.
In time, I reached the end of my rope, was successfully twelve-stepped, and dragged to my first meeting.
It was Tuesday, February 11, 1986.
I never went to one of those highfalutin, ultra-expensive country-clubby rehabs with a majestic-sounding name. We’ve all seen the commercials: palatial establishments populated with beautiful people having fun and being pampered: enjoying gourmet meals, golfing, manicures, pedicures, facials, mud baths & Swedish massages…
My life has never been that sexy. That first meeting was it.
All I got out of the deal was coffee, pound cake, a step book…and my life.
I immediately noticed something interesting:
No one expected me to do anything they weren’t already doing themselves.
That kind of integrity deserves and demands respect.
It quickly became apparent that not only could I do this, I would do this.
I stuck with the winners and modeled myself after them.
My opinion only, but I believe the steps are pretty much about four things.
If you distill them and get right down to the guts of it, they’re about:
Willingness,
Humility,
Accountability, and
The Joy of Good Living.
Stuff like gratitude, serenity and faith are byproducts.
If I’m going to lead a happy and fulfilling life, I need to hold myself accountable for sins committed, boneheaded mistakes, and stupid choices. No one is exempt.
I’ve learned to keep my words soft and sweet, because I never know when I’ll have to eat them.
Of all my character defects(I have a couple) one of the worst is my failure to think before speaking.
I’ve also learned that a good deal of my amends can’t be made.
For one reason or another that window of opportunity closed forever.
The answer is to make a living amends.
I can deal with that.
HERE'S THE TAKEAWAY:
Do this long enough and it becomes a part of you. In spite of your best efforts, you’ll evolve into a decent human being, and you’ll become the person you always wanted to be. Pay attention:
The promises will all come true, and all the fear and anger is replaced with hope and love.
I love not drinking, and I’m actually happy. I never thought I’d be able to say that,
and it’s all due to the miracle of Alcoholics Anonymous.
And just think, I did it all without a Swedish massage.
