IF I COULD GO BACK

“We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it…” Promise #3 of the 9th step Promises, page 83 of the Big Book.

This one’s a tall order, especially for anyone who spent the better part of their life pissing people off, burning bridges, sabotaging opportunities and making idiotic choices.

Unfortunately, I can’t step into a time machine, go back and mend any boneheaded rift I caused.

I know I’m supposed to move on with my life, rather than live with overwhelming regret and grief over past decisions and actions.

All my “isms” started early: I was a frightened, angry little kid.
As what so often happens, I grew up to be a frightened, angry big kid.
All my anger and defiance manifested themselves at school. I was a scholastic screw up, and a constant source of disappointment to my parents. 

They did their best to give me every opportunity and I went to some terrific schools.

I squandered those wonderful opportunities and spent most of my time getting wasted.
Those empty years and squandered opportunities have left a scar of pain, embarrassment and regret…I’ve never even bothered returning for any reunions.  It’s too embarrassing, and would be like returning to the scene of the crime.

It took six years of concerted goofing off to earn my BA.                That’s pretty lame.

Years later, after I’d been sober a while I toyed with the idea of changing careers. I went back to school with a completely different attitude and aced all my classes with very little effort.

A day late and a dollar short.

I can’t go back and undo what’s been done. All that’s left is to acknowledge it, accept it, embrace it, learn from it and move on. Everything happens for a reason, and God doesn’t owe me an explanation.

When I was new, I heard a compelling speaker from the podium exhort, “It keeps getting better!” It was the refrain all during his talk. It took me years, but I finally figured out that I was the “it”.

                            HERE’S THE TAKEAWAY:

AA has given me all the tools I need to live a happy, sober and fulfilling life.
Who needs a time machine?

We have Alcoholics Anonymous.