NEVER GIVE UP

During my sixth year of sobriety I slid into a depression that could best be characterized as, “Not of the garden variety.”

I knew people who committed suicide because of depression, and I could never understand the rationale. My attitude had always been, “What’s the matter with you? Walk it off!”
After having gone through it, my attitude is no longer so cavalier.     Now I get it.
When you suffer from depression, it’s pretty much a 24/7 deal: It’s with you  when you go to bed, and it’s still there in the morning sitting on your chest, waiting for you to you wake up. No matter where you go, or what you do – there it is.

The best way I could describe depression is, ‘A complete lack of hope.’ …A black, foreboding cloud that gives no quarter. Without hope, we are nothing.

Want to know how I dealt with it? I got outside help. In the end, it was just too much to hack on my own, so I got counseling (a comfortable euphemism for, “ I went to a shrink”).

There’s nothing shameful about seeking outside help (especially if you’re desperate). I saw this guy named Eric Larsen who worked exclusively with alcoholics. Eric was a young, bearded dude who was, without a doubt, one one the best listeners I’ve ever known. A quiet, serious professional, he understood the mind of an alcoholic.

His style was simple and effective: he’d sit in his chair, lean forward with clasped hands, elbows on thighs, and look right into you. There was no place to hide. All you could do is pour forth.
As a matter of fact, I went through the steps with Eric. I learned a lot from that guy.  He forever altered the trajectory of my life.

At the onset I was a complete mess and scheduled for sessions twice a week.I then tapered off to once a week. Then once every other week.

In time, Eric said, “ You’re obviously in a completely different place than when you first showed up.” and with that he cut me loose. He stressed that I should call if I felt the need – but we both knew I was ready to move on. 

During that time AA was always my bedrock. I never stopped going to meetings.  If you stop going to meetings, you stop growing.

Emerging from the other side of that experience gave me a deeper respect for the suffering of others, and made me a more compassionate person.

HERE’S THE TAKEAWAY:

Everything happens for a reason, and I now know what that reason is: It’s none of my damn business.                                                          No matter what, I need to get up, suit up, show up, and never give up.

The worst, most catastrophic things I’ve gone through have been the greatest catalysts for  my own spiritual growth and development.         Pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional.