Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it ~ Confucius
If you’ve ever questioned the validity of your alcoholism, I understand.
The nature of the disease is to lure you into believing you have no disease.
Over the years I’ve seen many, many people talk themselves out of pursuing recovery, and into, “testing the waters”…and it never bodes well. Remember: When we say, “Don’t drink”, we mean…EVER.
On the other hand, the more I consider my thought process, and dubious priorities, the more grateful I am for finding Alcoholics Anonymous…
CASE IN POINT:
A major milestone which occurs during our teen years is getting our driver’s license. Indeed, I was totally JAZZED to obtain my Learner’s Permit when I turned 16, and to upgrade to my Driver’s License six months later.
~HOWEVER~
The big occasion I fixated on was my 18th birthday.
Allow me to explain:
Once upon a time, in Massachusetts, 18 was the legal drinking age.
It was 18 also in New Hampshire, where I was going to school.
Right before my 18th birthday, the drinking age was raised to 21…and New Hampshire followed suit….what a gyp.
Bastards moved the goal post.
It was a conspiracy.
As I look back, it’s clear to see that If I had alcohol readily available at that age, I most likely would have done something incredibly stupid and self-destructive. It’s almost as if I was being watched over, and saved from myself.
ANYWAY:
Fast-forward to my early twenties:
When I finally became willing to address my little “issue” with drinking and recreational drugging, I instinctively knew what I needed to do:
“Surrender or Die!”
I have a friend who insists that he didn’t really “surrender” per se. His position was overrun.
After being beaten and bludgeoned into a state of reasonableness, the whole prospect of catching a buzz lost all its allure. If AA does anything, it’ll sure as hell ruin your drinking.
There was no fancy footwork, no finger-pointing, no negotiating, no whining, no excuses, no prisoners…When something starts to control your thoughts, and destroy your life, it’s no longer a whimsical diversion. It’s a serious and deadly problem. Remember, there is no shame in surrendering.
The Japanese surrendered, and they seem to be doing okay. Every year at my anniversary, I always hear the same refrain:
“You are so lucky to have gotten here at such an early age!”
Huh.
I wasn’t feeling especially lucky when I got here. What those people always fail to realize is that I had to hit rock bottom before willing to show up.
I’d done a pretty thorough job of painting my life into a corner. I was 24 when I got here. Do the math. I only got three solid years of quality legal drinking under my belt. Thing was, drinking had long since ceased being fun.
If something’s not fun, what’s the point?
I could NEVER just have one or two, catch a nice, comfortable glow, and leave it alone. That was something beyond my capacity…I drank like…well, I drank like an alcoholic. I always have. 
…It’s the nature of the malady. I always ended up burning bridges, embarrassing myself, and wallowing in abject remorse. Not fun.
It was time to objectively look at it: I was done.
That was on Tuesday evening, February 11, 1986. My sobriety date…and I’ve never looked back.
There’s just no way I could have manipulated it:
It was the right meeting, at the right time, in the right place, with the right people. And it was the right message.
With the benefit of hindsight, I now see a superior intelligence was at work.
There’s a particular television show that I enjoy.
No one in that program happened to be an alcoholic (it’s not that type of show) One of the characters can quietly sit in his living room and unwind with a glass of scotch. If he’s at a party, he’ll order a single malt scotch, neat, in a chilled rocks glass.
Then he nurses the damn thing for the rest of the evening. That kind of drinking is in an entirely different league…
I NEVER imbibed like that, and I’m vividly reminded of the Old Irish saying:
A man takes a drink, the drink takes a drink, the drink takes the man.
I am an alcoholic in recovery. That is my reality. The only thing left to do is acknowledge it, accept it, embrace it and deal with it.
When they say, “Don’t drink”, they mean...EVER
Yeah, we do it, ‘One-Day-at-a-Time’ but understand, You have arrived.
you’re not going anywhereYou can stop thinking that you’ll ever be normal.
ANYWAY:
Apropos of nothing,
I was waxing nostalgic about my early days in recovery, and I recalled an instance I haven’t thought about for decades…
I was still pretty new and raw, with probably about six or eight months under my belt. Living on Cape Cod, driving an alky sled, working in a liquor store(not the healthiest choice of jobs), struggling to make ends meet, and leaning heavily on the new tools I was learning in AA.
I heard about a Young People’s Group that met somewhere at The Mashpee Commons in Mashpee, Massachusetts.
It was somewhat out of my way, but I was intrigued, and decided to check it out. I distinctly remember driving over there, wondering what the hell this thing was about. I prowled around, and found the meeting room door off a back alley.
The room had some tables and chairs set up, and a woman was there making coffee. Her name was Janet. I introduced myself, started chatting, and helped set up. In time, people started showing up. At 25, I was always the young guy. I took it for granted that I was always going to be the youngest one in the room. Compared to these kids, I was a seasoned and grizzled old campaigner. They raged in age from 16 to 20.
Surprisingly, they were all business, and took their recovery seriously, enjoyed participating, and respected what we were doing. They were a breath of fresh air. Everybody has a story. In time I got to know everyone’s name, and their story. I liked them instantly. After consistently showing up every week for several months, Janet evidently decided I was for real. One evening at the close of the meeting, she handed me a metal clipboard storage box. It contained everything needed to run our modest little meeting: The laminated Agenda, an envelope of the meager collection money for coffee, cups, & whatnot, a baggie full of chips and the key to the room. Like it or hate it, for better or for worse, the meeting was now being handed off to me. God knows, I wasn’t looking for this type of responsibility, but Janet couldn’t very well be expected to do it forever. I seemed to be the logical choice to carry the baton.
When it comes to recovery, I always seem to Jump in at the deep end. Now it was up to me to arrive early, unlock the door, brew the coffee, prep the room, lead the meeting, clean up, be sure I left the place the way I found it, and lock up. After a few months, it was time for me to step down, and I handed it off to someone else. I was only passing through.
It wasn’t my intention of turning it into the *Jim Fisher Show.* I hate that shit.
There was no way I could realize it at the time, but that was great experience to draw on when I got involved with starting a new meeting a few years later.
I didn’t need to start from scratch.
All I ever wanted was to comfortable in my own skin. I thought all my drinking and recreational drugging were helping me achieve that. Ironically, it was actually pushing me further from my goal, and deeper into the pit of despair. After I’d been in AA for a while, paid attention, and did what they told me, something interesting happened.
First off,
I realized the need to unlearn all those things I’d taken for granted. Looking back, I always thought I was controlling every facet of my life. That kind of control is an illusion. I’ve accepted that I’m in the middle of something bigger than me, so I leave the results to my Creator. My prayers evolved from a petition of things I wanted, to an exercise of the Three G’s:
Guidance, Grace and Gratitude.
I’m at my best when I keep things simple, short, and in bite-sized chunks.I believe God appreciates brevity. I also believe he appreciates it when people take a leap of faith.
Secondly,
While I wasn’t paying attention, all the fear, anger, shame and remorse faded away. Funny how that happened.
In the end, one way or another, it all works out.
HERE’S THE TAKEAWAY:
I am powerless over people, places, things, and situations. You’d think that the longer you stay sober, the easier doing AA would get. Well, yes and no.
Yes, because you now know the secret sauce.
No, because the ante continues to go up…
You are now expected to set the example, behave yourself, and act like a responsible, mature adult. Not as easy as it sounds, especially if you’re used to acting like a knucklehead, and have a tendency towards self righteousness.
Just take things One Day at a Time, (which, incidentally, is the most spiritual way anyone could ever hope to live). And by the way, the Promises won’t just come true. They’ll become a permanent ongoing condition of your life.
The day will come when you’ll stop working the steps…. because you’ll be living them. And it all starts by showing up, paying attention, and allowing people into your life. I believe Bill and Dr. Bob had that in mind.
